digression is the better part of valor

If you’ve seen the movie Joe Versus The Volcano, then you’ll most likely get this: I have a brain cloud. That’s right a brain cloud. It’s even prevented me from writing a Goddamn thing for nigh on 6 months now. Even now as I peck incredulously away at this onyx black keyboard it’s here. Mocking me. Like some wicked specter blowing it’s hot breath on the backs of my earlobes while remaining furtively out of sight. I’m resolved to trudge on undeterred, so I am just going to pour some shit onto the page and see what comes out. Kind of like a car that won’t stay running, so you get it started and stomp the accelerator until it almost redlines and leave it there hoping that whatever it is that is causing the stall will blow out the exhaust pipe and let the idle get back to normal. Or metaphorically leave you the fuck alone, insert the applicable meaning for you here. The suggestion of the brain cloud is simple in its complexity. Joe is told he has it, and he has 6 months to live. The double entendre there is what is frequently glossed over though. Does he have 6 months to live or 6 months left until he is dead. Either is an ultimatum, only one is a challenge to get off your ass and do something. It’s all about perception and annunciation I suppose. Like the Cursive song “ I couldn’t love you…” is the proper ending “anymore” or any more”? Two completely different meanings for the same phrase, separated by one thing. Space.

I have friends who incessantly try to get me to go out. Let off some steam. Cut loose. It’s like some crippling agoraphobia has taken control and I don’t want to do it and will think of any excuse not to. In theory it sounds great right? The practice is where it always falls apart. I used to be someone who would latch on like grim death and fight like a pit viper to keep something. Now at the first sign of confrontation or dissention in this fledgling single-serving existence I recoil and bury my head in the proverbial sand. After a certain point you just have to look at yourself in the mirror and wonder, “fucking hell, has it been ME all along? “ one failed marriage can happen to the best of us, it’s a socially accepted practice almost nowadays with the advent of the “starter marriage”. Two begins to thin out the herd from incompatibility with a person to the distinct possibility that there is a fundamental flaw with you as a fucking person and the way you interact with others. I have been waiting all my life for the whole to equal up to the sum of its parts, but it just keeps falling tragically short. Why in the hell create a THIRD person who thinks that you just might be the mother fucking Anti-Christ? I am petrified of doing it again. “So go out!” people tell me, “Sew your oats!” “ You’ve never really been single your whole adult life” et al. and I consider it. Then I meet said people and in moments I like them as PEOPLE and their company seems like a tincture for a wounded soul, and any idea of a superficial single-serving relationship falls by the wayside. The problem is, I fundamentally don’t have a problem with that school of thought because it just seems like the correct and justified thing to do. Everyone that you encounter from the cradle to the grave is heading into, going through, or coming out of some life changing conflict or circumstance. They have families, children, obligations, existences not unlike my own…If I really wanted I could go out every night, or at least every weekend. I have 2 teenagers who are perfectly capable of babysitting the younger two. I honestly don’t have a fucking clue what to do! I don’t feel like I have a lot to offer right now, so why the hell muddy up someone else’s life with my bullshit? For now, I’ll just spend my time on the shore line, occasionally dipping my toe in the water, and wait for that fucking catharsis that wipes away this brain cloud that swings in pendulum like the Sword of Damocles, the elephant in the room, and the albatross around the proverbial neck…

This more or less serves to knock the rust off. It’s been a while and I am trying to just get the water out of the fuel at this point. I apologize for the rudimentary nature and delivery…